Westsidewill – Wild Off The Air

Super awesome death hoax June 12th!

However…he isn’t dead.

The thing that gave the hoax legs was that the website was Foxnews.WEBSITENAME.com…so some who have no idea how to use the internet would think it came from the real Fox News…however that isn’t true.

He’s alive.

Resume our day.

Jennifer Knapp , Christian singer and average looking chick, announced recently that she “quit” the christian music game because she didn’t want her fans to feel like they were hoodwinked!

Seriously, she said hoodwinked.

I’m not exactly sure why this is a big news story. In general Christians are not huge fans of Homosexuals. It really isn’t a big deal if they don’t like her because she’s gay, she kind of knew that going in.

Just like if I went to some feminist rally and acted like…well…how I normally act. I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t huge fans of me either.

The part the gets me with this whole story is how people are outraged – not the Christians, but people who are made at the Christinas for actually feeling like they were “hoodwinked.”

I get it. I really do. She was a big time phony and she should catch some flack. Look at what happened to Vanilla Ice once everyone found out his back story was as fake as a 3 dollar bill!

You ever see that South Park? With Faith +1? I kind of get the vibe this is what happened here.

Yeah it’s just like that.

Today we’re going to play a Game! Weird OR Things you would ask your pornstar mistress.

Here’s how it works: I’m going to post a quote. It’s either a quote that someone said to anyone other than their pornstar mistress OR a quote of an alleged text from Tiger to his mistress who is a porn star!

Let the games begin:

1) “Some people may think you’re cute, Babe. But to me you’re one very large baked potato!”

Answer: Weird
Source: Sylvester Stallone’s character in Death Race 2000

Reason you guessed wrong: Tiger could want to put some sour cream on that baked potato! Zing! OR…even some butter. (Let that one sink in…it’s funny…trust me.)

2) “Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with the big boobs. You know it’s wrong but you can’t keep away from her.”

Answer: Weird
Source: Val Doonican
Reason You Guessed Wrong: You probably shouldn’t have guessed wrong. I mean…why would Tiger say that to his mistress via text? So…that’s dumb.

3) “Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? … just morbid curiosity.”

Answer: Things You’d Ask Your Pornstar Mistress (if you’re tiger….)
Source: Tiger…if you believe the pornstar who says the text is from him.
Reason you got it wrong: Ummmmm….There are so many reasons, but who actually asks anyone, let alone a pornstar, if they have ever had a golden shower. I guess if you’re interested in a porn star there are a variety of reasons you’d ask that question…Do you really want to be with a woman who has had that done to her? Really?

4) “I want you to rub butter on my foot.”

Answer: Weird
Source: Michael Scott….from “The Office”
Reason You got it wrong: Well…Judging by the above quote it’s possible he could have said anything to that chick…

5) “I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you.”

Answer: Things you say to your mistress!
Source: Tiger’s crazy porn mistress!!!!

Reason You Might Have Got It Wrong: You think Tiger’s too classy a dude for that. I mean not that classy though. Cause he did ask if she’s been pee’d on. So he’s on the classy scale in your mind somewhere between asking if a chicks been given a golden shower, and wanting to get rough with a pornstar.

6) “What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home.”

Answer: Weird
Source: Ken Hammond

Reason you got it wrong: You think Tiger has jokes. I mean he does – here’s a pretty funny tiger quote: “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Ohhhh Tiger does have the jokes…not in this case.

I think this quiz was fairly easy. Although…I think if you guessed all 6 came out of Tiger you could have your reasons. The funniest thing to me about this whole situation is that Joslyn James thought people would be shocked that Tiger sent her dirty texts. Ohhhhhhh yeah…the male population is super shocked that a dude would talk like that to his pornstar mistress. If you don’t say that sort of thing to your pornstar mistress who do you say it to? No one.

Flying into the WestSideWill Newsroom aka Hot Joel’s web browser is the shocking story of Natalie Mejia. Who you ask?

You know Natalie Mejia…of Girlicious? Still nothing?

Ummm…let’s just say she’s kind of famous for being hot. Proof:

Anyway…

She’s a hot chick who was arrested yesterday with around a dozen bags of coke in her purse. Why is this news? Because she’s hot.

What does this mean for Girlicious? I have no clue. I didn’t even know they still made music. So yeah…

Just enjoy the view:

The unofficial WestSideWill Tiger Woods Mistress Counter is sitting at 11.

Who are these ladies? A hodgepodge of chicks who are waitresses and other professions – but there are 2 who deserve special mention. What makes the 2 I’m about to mention so special? THEY ARE PORN STARS!

That’s right folks, Tiger doesn’t care who’s been there before, or how many have been there for that matter, he just gets in there and treats em like a par 3, he’s driving for the hole.

Let’s meet 2 porn stars who claim to have been with Tiger Woods:

1) Holly Sampson Here is a fun fact about Holly:

She has also had mainstream acting roles. As a teenager, she co-starred with Fred Savage in the Wonder Years episode “The Summer Song” (1989), playing his character’s love interest.[4] She also appeared in one episode each of My Two Dads and Matlock, and in the film Pump Up The Volume.

As an adult she has appeared in several mainstream roles, most notably playing a teacher in teen comedy Pretty Cool [5]. She also had a minor part in the 1998 TV movie Gia.[6]
SOURCE: Wikipedia

Yeah before she was a porn star she was in a Matlock episode…you know Matlock boned her (I kid…or do I?)

*Born – 1973

2) Joslyn James (CLICK HER NAME TO READ ABOUT HER IN THE MIRROR…some funny stuff.)

Yet another porn star who we are adding to the mix, in no way is she as “experienced” in porn as Holly Sampson – but she’s still a porn star.

Here is what I like the most about her story, she claims Tiger gave her the nickname of “Hoo-Ha”. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH, that is by far the best thing I have heard about Tiger to date. I mean the dude has a ton of women who claim to be his mistresses, but this one is by far my favorite.

According to the Mirror:

Another friend reportedly said the porn star would confide in her about “all the freaky sh*t Tiger dug in bed”.

Source: The Mirror

*Born – 1970

For those who complained that Tiger just stepped out on his wife with young waitresses you are wayyyyy off. The above 2 chicks are 36 and 39 respectively, not young by any stretch (unless Tiger was like 50 or something, but he’s 33.) So Tiger is moving on to OLDER WOMEN. That’s kind of crazy right?

To be fair Tiger hasn’t confirmed any one of these chicks to be one of his “Mistresses” in fact he hasn’t said much of anything. I’d be willing to bet at least a few chicks on his current list of 11 are full of baloney. I’m doubting we ever find out unless Tiger sues one of em…but I’m doubting he’s going to want to give a deposition about anything in a lawsuit.

Tiger bangs porn stars….that’s kind of badass…if he wasn’t married.

“Captain” Lou Albano died yesterday, know for being a wrestler in the WWF/WWE and of course became world famous for being Mario…in the Mario TV Show.

He wasn’t just an actor…no sir, he was also a dancer:

The truth is I STILL do that dance, and it still gets babes. Without Captain Lou teaching me that dance I wouldn’t get HALF the chicks I do.

So…I guess it’s time we say good bye to a legend.

It’s funny, I always thought that I would die before Mario – it’s funny how a life of eating mushrooms to make you grow will catch up with you when you least expect it. So…For today I say everyone just steps back and does “The Mario”.

In what can only be described as news that I don’t think anyone who has a life of their own really cares about, Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom.

If you are scoring at home the 3rd hottest Kardashian sister, out of 3, married the 3rd best Laker, out of 5 (behind Kobe and Gasol) after 1 month of dating.

A lot of people are saying this sort of marriage won’t last, I’m saying there is no way it doesn’t last. Let’s look at the facts – Lamar Odom is getting up there in age and he was going to make a play for attention he had to do it soon, because goodness knows 90% of the country ignored him on the basketball court. Not me however. Nope. When I was a kid one of the first really good trading cards I ever pulled out of a pack was a Lamar Odom SPx Rookie. It was an awesome card!

Awesome is a relative term however. Lamar Odom was awesome compared to most of the crumbums in his draft class who either got hurt or went crazy…or both…but not so awesome in the grand scheme of card collecting…And look at this pic of Khloe and Lamar…she looks pretty “awesome” right:

So…yeah I think that’s her? I can’t really tell to be honest, it looks like a clown/stripper maybe. So let’s go with that’s her, but we’ll put the MAYBE on that it’s a clown stripper (cause look at the size of those hands she’s sporting…HUGE.)

But honestly Khloe Kardashian looks good in the grand scheme of things:

Seriously she isn’t bad looking at all. But I think what hurts her, like what hurts Odom, is when you compare them to other people. Like Lamar being overshadowed on the court, Khloe is overshawdowed by her hot sisters:

But that my friends is why this marriage will work! We have 2 overshadowed “stars” who needed to get their own form of populartiy quick, or their time was going to pass them by…and guess what? They were able to do it!

Time to bust out that Lamar Odom SPx rookie and put it back in a place of honor!

Everyone is jumping on Kanye West today for his crazy as all get out outburst at the VMA’s.

Let’s “enjoy” it together:

Now, if you read the comments on that video you’ll see there are some fairly strong opinions about what happened last night, what the cause of it is, and what’s to blame. Some (read: a lot) of people are saying it’s a race thing, Kanye did that because he was black. NO. That has exactly zero to do with anything.

What I’d like to point out is that we’ve all failed Kanye West. This isn’t the first time he’s done this sort of thing and his fans never really seem to punish him for what he does.

But I don’t think that’s the point either. I think Kanye has some sort of retardation that his fans have simply ignored. Those of us who aren’t fans probably also ignored it because we don’t care for, or about, Kanye West. But the writing was on the Wall!!!! And we are all to blame.

Let’s take a look at some facts:

- Start with his official Website: “KanyeUniversecity.com” the poor guy tried his best to spell university…and just failed. We all let it slide…that’s on us!!

- How about the “apology” he posted on the a fore mentioned site: “I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM,” Kanye wrote on his site, AP reported. “I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED!” – What is with the all caps Kanye? He probably doesn’t even know that he was typing in caps…or what caps look like. Poor fella.

- What about those sunglasses he wears…that you can’t see out of:

He tried to DRIVE with those on. Why didn’t we stop him! You can’t see through plastic Kanye…you can’t see through plastic.

- What about the fact he seemed genuinely surprised the fans didn’t care for what he was doing last night:

Poor fella. He can’t seem to understand what’s right and wrong.

- And finally from Mentalhelp.net when trying to diagnose mental retardation:

Deficits in social skills also come into play in a school setting. Individuals who have mental retardation struggle with understanding social rules like taking turns and waiting until someone else finishes speaking before talking. Some social concepts are beyond the grasp of those who are mentally retarded. The concept of money is a good example; mentally retarded individuals tend to have difficulty understanding how money works. Mentally retarded individuals also tend to have difficulty understanding cause and effect relationships, for example, recognizing that there are consequences for actions.

If that doesn’t describe Kanye West what does? Seriously – that’s 100% him.

Before we all rush to judge Kanye, let’s try to help him out. Clearly he is mentally retarded and needs all the help that he can get.

By the way, Taylor Swift handled that thing as well as any 19 year old could. She probably deserves to be the big story of the night with the way she handled it, not some mentally retarded guy running on stage.

Let’s pretend you’re a stalker, or a peeping tom, and you’re worried that after you die you won’t be able to stare creepily at good looking women.

Well my friends I’m here to change all of that. Thanks to our friends at eBay, and some lady who decided that she wanted to move where her husband was currently buried, you can now secure yourself a spot staring at Marilyn Monroe for eternity!

That’s right folks, the crypt above Marylin Monroe is now FOR SALE! I know what you are thinking, what sort of fancy pants auction house do I have to find a way to be a part of to make a bid on this piece of real estate heaven – NONE, it’s on eBay!!!!

Let’s enjoy the listing together shall we? You can find it here: Stare at Marylin Monroe FOREVER

As I was reading this listing I’m thinking to myself, yeah it’s creepy that I get to pay to be buried above Marylin Monroe, but just not creepy enough…and then this gem showed up in the description: “In fact the person occupying the address right now is looking face down on her.” Awwwwwww yeah, that’s the ticket. I can be buried UPSIDE DOWN on top of Marylin Monroe? That’s just creepy enough!

What is the bidding of this gem up to you ask? $4.6 million and sure to go higher in the next 3 hours.

So you think you’re the biggest perv out there today? Prove it by being the biggest perv in the afterlife with a crypt above Marylin Monroe!!!!

What a crazy weekend!

It all started off Friday with Kyle “Boomer’s New Favorite QB Ever” Orton having a terrible game against San Francisco. Now when this happened I thought to myself, “Well that seems about right for Kyle Orton.” Since I’m a Bears fan and watched Orton since he was a youngster at Purdue I kind of figured it would happen.

But the part that struck me as odd was how crazy everyone in Denver got over one preseason game! Listen, you guys traded away a franchise QB for this guy:

How did you think it would turn out?

Why This Is A Dumb Thing To Go Crazy Over: People of Denver, your good QB is now a Bear, you have our bad QB. There really isn’t a great way to spin this – so just enjoy the Orton express this year and draft a QB next year. Expecting great things out of Kyle Orton is like expecting the sky to be Yellow.

Then we come to Saturday, fight night. Gina “I’m kinda hot for a big chick” Carano vs. Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. The truth is we were all pulling for Gina because she’s kind of hot:

And the Cyborg…well…looks like a machine:

Let’s pretend you know nothing about fighting, look at the above images (hell throw Orton in there too) tell me who would win in a fight.

Oh you went with the chick who looks like she could beat you up and take your lunch money? What a shocker.

Well guess what she did end up winning, in destructive fashion – but that’s not the weird thing. The weird thing is the public outcry by the Carano fans!

Why This Is A Dumb Thing To Go Crazy Over: Your hot chick got beat up by a chick who looks like she does this stuff for fun. Why is this causing so much backlash?

So the fights are over and I’m thinking, well that was a blast time for bed…but wait! Another news story flashed up that I just had to comment on. TNA Wrestling “Star” Kurt Angle was arrested for stalking/harassing/violation of a protective order! And when arrested they found some HGH on him, who doesn’t carry HGH with them on a daily basis? Weirdos that’s who. Let’s take a look at who rumors say he was stalking:

Rhaka Khan…the woman (?) that Kurt Angle was stalking. She(?) doesn’t really look like she needs an order of protection.

Why This Shouldn’t Be A News Story: When wrestlers do crazy things is it really a “story”? Honestly? Carrying HGH? A WRESTLER? NO!